If you are fortunate to enough to have an understanding and caring partner separation should not be an issue. However, many transitioning individuals find themselves on the 'thin end of the wedge' when they inform their partner of their intention to transition. Separation and divorce becomes inevitable. When this happens all common sense and order can evaporate. You may find yourself on the receiving end of brutal and vicious assaults on your character.
If you have children threats of "never seeing your children" will be used again and again.
Things you should do:
- Do not leave the family home - ever - you have a right to remain in your own home
- Do not retaliate - ever
- Never ever stop contributing towards the household and your children
- Keep a diary of events - when writing your diary leave personal venting, frustrations and inappropriate language out of it. Stick to the facts of an event or incident.
- Try and leave your ego out of the equation - separation and divorce can, and does, become a war. You against the your partner. Winner takes all. This is the wrong approach. You should at all times be aiming for a compromise - a draw. Sometimes the draw can seem a little unbalanced, but you need to think and look to the future. Transitioning is a hard and difficult enough task without adding to your burden with regards to making your partner suffer for some perceived wrong doing.
- Go to mediation - this should be your first step. If you can, avoid all talk of solicitors - this will only make things worse.
- Just because you are transitioning, do not see this as a reason to bend-over-backwards and allow your partner to take you for a ride e.g. "I'm getting the house, you get out - because you're transitioning".
- By that same token do not allow your partner to use you decission as leverage in order to walk all over you.
- If verbal/physical abuse is encountered - record it and if necessary report it to the appropriate authorities. Do not fall in to the belief that while your actions may be responsible for triggering the separation with your partner that you deserve to be punished for it
- Give up drinking - separation is a very stressful time in your life - added to that transitioning is very stressful as well - drink may seem like an easy solution, but it's not. And it can lead you to doing irresponsible things
Things you should be aware of:
- If you are not married, but have children with your partner, at this moment in time under Irish Law you have very few rights with regards to your kids. This has nothing to do with your transition - it's just the law as it stands now
- Even if you are married with children, you still have very few rights with regards to your children; even if the reason for your separation was something other then your transition. Irish Law is based on the assumption that the children would be better off with their mother. It is assumed by law that the mother is the "better" parent and naturally equipped to look after them.
- If you do end up in court, fighting for your rights, you should be aware that whatever you say or claim may not be believed unless you have hard evidence to support your claim.
- If you do have 'hard indisputable evidence" it has to be obtained through legal means, otherwise it would not be admissible in court.
- You should note that if the separation becomes bitter and strained your partner will resort to painting the blackest picture they can with regards to your character. This could be motivated out of anger at you for what you are doing. Just be aware that it may happen. In most cases it does as 'winning' at all costs, regardless of the damage done, becomes paramount.
- If you have children, they will be used as weapons - again to force your hand and capitulate to your partner’s demands. If this happens you need to look beyond to future
- No matter how bad things get - they will get worse.
- No matter how worse things do get - they will get better - Never give up on the belief that they won't because they will.
